LoveIsAll

So its hit febuary now.
wow 2008 has just creeped upon me.
I'm truly in awe that people have this big idea that they can change themselves complelty overnight during new year. To be keep a proper resolution you need to endure it and fully commit yourself don't you? That's one thing i have definately learned in the very short month of January that whizzed by. Looking back i realised that last year i had a pretty good year all in all. I came closer to discovering the real person i am. Unfortunately this discovery was through a run of bad experiences, but who is one to doubt the course of fate? I know 2007 could have been a whole much better year if i had probably studied more, slept more, exercised more, relaxed more, socialised more and judged less, stressed less, saw a certain friend less, and allowed myself to be vulnerable less.

I'm not going to say that this year i hope to improve all my bad points. Being realistic i know that is unlikely to be achieved. But i can at least try to fill in the cracks and smooth out the dents of my pathetic, jealous, hurt-filled 2007.

So it is now 3 mins past midnight on Friday, the 1st of Febuary. And I'm sitting huddled up in a blanket listenning to Radiohead trying to think clearly of my situation. Desperate to find some slow tempo songs to ease my frustration.

January has been the new light as i have started to awaken from my post 2007 daze and really see things and people for what they really are. The skys are a different colour now. Not necessarily grey or a complete contrast, just a different shade from what it was before. The people that meant the most to me a year ago have all gone and the people i never thought i would be close to have come forward. The friends i have had for years i now see in different lights. And as always i'm walking through these crowds.

I'll always remember a certain day in August last year when i left my then best friend at the airport terminal. I knew as i walked away from her that it would be the last time i saw her. Instead of grieving i embraced it. But when i stood back a month or so down the line i realised that really i was the one that had been left standing at the airport. She had left me in the crowds, and everyone had grown taller. I struggled to find anyone to relate to, even in just a simple "i miss her" way. Eventually, i found my feet and grew taller. And after time i caught up and could then see above the heads. However i know for many months, the water will still run under the bridge. She may have been a river back then, just a trickle now but in turn still affect.

January has also brought me a new found friend.Who has been so influential in my life as of recently so much that i have named this post in his regard. His name is David and he is a beautiful,talented and kind boy. I have a feeling that he will be a significant part of this year. I'm determined not to let it fail this time. I have learned my lesson, without the armbands.

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

There was a time you let me know whats really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you? (and)
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu--jah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu---u---jah

So its a wednesday night and im standing in Dundee outside a bar freezing my butt off waiting for the doors to open. By my side is my sister and 2 friends; one who iv known since i was little and a newly aquainted one from school. I have my back to the entrance door as i stand in a huddle with my group sheltering from the cold. Then i turn around just in time to see Paul slip out for a fag. I noticed he'd done his hair up,more than the last time i saw him and wondered the reason for the effort... but then i remembered that he recently got his new girlfriend and it all clicked. Paul glances at me for a split second before shifting down the street to talk to a couple outside a shop. "OOOOFFTT ! Look at him! He's hot! " - screams one of my friends.
" Erm....Gemma... thats Paul..."

Its about quarter to 9 when we're let in, its an over 18s affair but Gemma flirts enough with the guy at the door and we pose for a few promotional photos and manage to get in. YES. The venue is a small(shall i say cosy?...cosys probably not the word..) and quite quiet at this point. We take ourselves up the spiral staircase to find Gary and the rest of the boys pottering about in their skinny jeans. i settle down with a couple of drinks and sit and chat with my friends as i wait for Descartes to get their bums on the stage. when descartes get on stage the volume gets cranked up;both amps and the crowd, the drinks start flowing a bit better and the atmosphere becomes crazy. Paul smacks his skins, Gary pumps out his bass, and the guitars start screaming out. Im not going to say the crowd went wild. OH no,the wildest thing of the night could only possibly be the tightness of Markie's jeans. The crowd stands still and quiet but in a good way as when i look at their faces i can tell they are properly concentrating on the music(what its all about of course).

i get my camera out and start snapping away,i even took the risk of looking a bit stupid by dipping down at the side of the stage to get a better angle, but it was worth it in the end because it turned out to be a good shot....

dancing was also on the cards, gemma got up within the first few mintues of Descartes set. actually try first few SECONDS. she was doing her indie cindy dance which embarressed me a little but i didnt really care too much as the descartes boys' music was enough to satisfy meGemma eventually got me out to the front of the stage to dance.Gary must have thought i was mad. I was feeling a bit insecure in front of Paul but eventually i didnt care anymore what he thought of me i was just enjoying the music. Jenn started to dance too, which was amusing as she claimed she never danced at gigs. I guessed she prooved that wrong but she looked like she was having fun which was the main thing.

After the dancing around beer bottles, Descartes finished with my favourite song "city star" which is a fairly quiet song compared to the more energetic "Toyko Rose" or "Reflex Action" but is still as moving. That song stayed in my head for days after....

The departure, the band that descartes were supporting went on afterwards and performed and amazing set. I stood in between Gary and Paul in the crowd and showed them some of my photos. Gary loves the departure and was singing along with a longing look on his face almost like a school girl lusting after a boy band member. It was fairly amusing. Conversationg moved slow with Paul but i didnt mind too much.i noticed his girlfriend standing on the other side of him so decided it may be wise to keep to Gary. Pauls girlfriends mate then came and pushed me out of the way so she could stand with Paul. ....

I didnt let that ruin my night though.
I danced, i drinked, i smoked, i sung, i "mingled" but most importantly i had fun and just enjoyed the music.

in the car home my sister ,my 2 friends and i had a little rave with the black eyed peas. I was the only one that could do the rapping parts though haha.

i came home exhaughsted,tired,soar,covered in beer and smelling of tobbaco but it was worth it

soooo worth it.

who knew "I'll walk you to history" could sound so sweet?

to some up my day i would say - mystery and content

i had a break from matthew who wasnt in pyschology for once, prefect duty was banterful as ever(with an extra bonus that only jilly knows about haha)and my classes ran pretty smoothly-even modern studies in the morning which i usually find quite a killer.

the best part was me being so relaxed with my current boy person(i will call him "flicky" as that is his new nickname iv given him) that i lightly said "right im off to pyschology " and left him where he was standing in the middle of the corridor.no "oh il walk u to buisness management" or " when are we meeting up next?" SMOOOOOOOOTH.

when i came home however my day took a bad turn. the essssay! oaft cant be arrrrrrsed! il leave it til later i think. and then my ex trying to contact me, who i havent spoken to in well over a year now..that was just weird!

on the upside i remember who that unnamed boy was now..
it was a guy that was a friend of this boy i know from school
didnt know him that well but he came to my birthday party and ate all the cheese.
cheese boy.

so what did my thursday consist of?
well i went into school in the morning and had to go to this assembly thing that all seniors have to attend 1stperiod on a thursday. i think its only until xmas time but its really doing my head in as it now means i lose my double period of music. im good at music, but im doing advanced higher which needs all the time i can get! its really shitty.the most annoying thing is that the talks are the talks i had last year when i was in 5th year! grrrr.

anyways thankfully i only had to sit in the hall for about 5mins as i had a prefect meeting. yus! i walked over to the meeting with leigh and goldie. goldie and i asked each other how we were doing but he seemed really tired (bless)..i was also quite sleepy and talked in a more quiter tone than usual.goldie found it quite strange and intrigueing i think because the whole of the meeting he could not keep his eyes of me. the first part of the meeting i sat with Jilly and Helen and tried to make as little eye contact as i could over to Goldie's table. i noticed there was an empty seat next to him. my seat perhaps? maybe he saved it for me? Jilly and i engrosed in coversation but in whispers only.i saw goldies eyes shift over in my direction for the 100th time. Then when i saw my opportunity i decided "why the hell not?" and made my way over to the empty seat. at the table was goldie, then broon, then erin and hazel. erin who was opposite me started chatting away to me. sometimes when erin and i talk , broon and goldie try their best to distract us.almost as if they are both jealous haha.as i got more into the conversation with erin i started to use my hands to talk. "im an italian at heart" i said to goldie as he pinned my hands down on the table. it eventually got to the stage where his hands held mine on the table. i saw a few heads turn in the room. i then told erin i would talk to her later in music(just about the only time i get to speak to her without others being there)and made my excuses and went back to sit with Jilly. "you know, you've got a lot of habits." goldie teased me later.
"i know" i replied," but everyone does, even you babes"

11:15 i decended onto the bus for the music trip.
"sit beside me" "no sit here"

FEEEEECK OFF.
i'll choose where i want to sit AYE

i eventually chose to sit next to teri and opposite erin and richie. i actually really wanted to talk to richie but couldnt as he was on the other side of erin but ahwell. teri and i engaged in some light chat whilst we pumped out the beats of the legendary gwen stefani."she looks just as perfect in real life as she does in photos ya know"

we reached edinburgh about half 12 and we all bailed out the bus to then get a group photo.i was on the far side of the group so im not sure if i was even in the shot haha. then i went across the road to gregs with one of the teachers. i got a nice spicy chicken wrap, ribena and a pink jammie for later that night.as we were walking back from gregs a boy stopped me in the street and called my name. i looked at him and then immediately went into an"omg" fit as i recognised his face and knew i hadnt seen him in a long time. the only thing that troubles me,and still continues to right now actually, is that i dont remember a)his name b) where he comes from c) how i know him/met him,etc. i knew i was terrible with putting names to faces but this really was beyond a joke! hopefully some day soon the unnamed boy will be identified. "oh your a celebrity here" mr more said to me,"now which ex boyfriend was that?" he teased. "I DONT REMEMBER ARGGGGGGH" I got into the theatre and was allowed to eat some of my lunch before the orchestra came out to perform.erin had saved me seat but unfortunately it was between her and this boy who does my head in.he started to ruffle my hair but not in the playful, flirty way that graham does more in a rough way.i did not like it one bit and showed my discomfort by squirming in my seat and asking him to stop. eventually he did. phew!.. then the conductor came out. food away,phone off. and WOW! what a show it was! there was this solo violinest,cant remember her name(told you im bad with names haha) but she was AMAZING! truly inspiring!

Wednesday:

i went to Dundee for Dundee uni open day but to be honest i already knew what course i wanna do, and dundee is my first choice for uni, i really just went to talk about modules. Plus i love the city. Yes the streets are a bit dirty, the people are a bit edgy and the whole place reeks of tabacco but i still love it for some strange reason

anyways i went and found some lady to talk about modules but she wasnt very helpful which peed me off big style so i went down to the shops with my sister again. as i raided h&m for some hoodies i thought to myself that dundee really is the place for me to study.theres something that excites me everytime i step intothe city, but at the same time, something which calms me down and is quite soothing. people say "why not go to edinburgh uni?" but i dont want to,i went to edinburgh and as soon as i stepped on the campus i hated it. sure their courses are great and the uni is one of the top in scotland but whats the point of me going if i wont be happy. the place feels like a concrete jungle for petes sake!

in the end i picked a black hoody."eggh thats so plain! why are u getting that?" my sister screeched at me. WHY BLOODY NOT EH?! sure it might not seem right but its what seems right to me.

hoody and uni.

on wednesday i also went to get some coffee with my sister at this coffee bar where this guy i know, gary, works. Gary is the lead singer/bassist of this band that im friendly with. Even though i dont know gary that well, we seem to get on fairly good. hes a cool guy who seems to have his head scread on right, my kind of person he's one of those guys that seems quite sincere in everything he does and not up himself like a lot of blokes i know. i do empathise for him though as he is quite a strapping young lad ( floppy brunette hair, tall and slim build) and girls who meet him just seem to fuss over his appearance rather than his musical talents.i see gary as he is- gary. the skinny jeans and hair style is just an additional part. i actually cant believe how shallow people can be at times.girls that go to gigs to check out the totty on stage just sicken me. its about the music talent not the "talent".

garys band has received a fair amount of attention from the ladies( some of which i think they have enjoyed haha ). dont get me wrong,all of the members are all fairly easy on the eye as the standards go but i like them because they're pretty ace guys and play good music, not because they have nice haircuts,tattoos and skinny jeans. it seems any average looking young male can instantly boost his sex appeal just by straightning his hair and pulling some skinny jeans. its sad! anyways as gart made coffees behind the counter i thought that girls must come in all the time just to get a glimpse of the poor boy. greg brought our coffees over with a smile and a "what are u doing in dundee?" question for me. "dundee uni open day!" i say holding up a prospectus (though it was really an abertay uni one but im sure he understood the gesture haha. )

after our coffees,gary saluted me a goodbye,the same salute he gave me when i first came in .my sister and i went back onto the highstreet. we walked some of the streets that paul had walked me through ,which brought back some memories but i realised my passion for city life will never fade,even if Paul does. speaking of paul and gary,im seeing them and the rest of the band play on wednesday night at the Westie. i cant wait. going up with a friend from school.shes a lil indie cindy for my liking but seems alright to hang about with for a night. although she did turn around to me the other day saying she thought gary was very hot. (dear god!not again). the band are playing with a fairly well known band.and apparently gary cannot wait! i must make sure not to miss this gig!

started today at 7:10am. i made myself some breakfast and over coffee mulled over if i should bother going into school, my back was killing me and to be honest i reallly did not feel up to the long day ahead. "mum im not going to school" i demanded at 7:40. But then i thought that i would be actually be best to go in as i am gonna have the next 2 days away (in dundee tomorrow and in edinburgh on thursday). 7:50 i rushed upstairs, shoved some clothes on, put my contacts in and brushed my teeth, ran my straightners through my hair and shoved all my books into my bag.
8:05 i was on the bus
8:15 i see ashley run away from her bustop back to her house and i wonder what the hell is going on, i guess she has forgotten something
8:17 i shout to the driver to wait for her
8:19 the bus driver goes
8:20 fecking bus driver

so i sit alone.. with the editors blasting in my ear, but unfufilled by their sound at this moment i quickly switch to strokes (much better i think) and turn round to talk to amy and the 2 ruths

8:30
get in school and walk to where i usually met jilly and her boyfriend.
Jillys not there.
run to the loos then come back.. thank god
"wheres ashley?"
argggh!

house assembly 8:45 im crammed into a room filled with 100s of annoying 1st and 2nds years and all the inbetween 3rd and 4th years which are just as annoying. Leigh and i sit and discuss Maximo park playing the barrowlands on monday night as we get out senior ties on and put our prefect badges on. a depute head stands up and has a moan to us about uniform and behaviour. however this is now lightened up by the introduction of a very yummy looking police officer by the name of pc... robertson?.. robert? something robert?..god i cant remember but he was hot! hes the new in-school police officer or something.. just shows the schools getting worse.

1st and 2nd period- double pyschology with the fabolous mr B.
He used to get my sister when she was at college so because of the link i would say we are quite close, plus the fact that i come out with the most contraversial stuff in class(good contraversial i mean) and give him stickers as bribes . in the double period we discuss the concept of motivation. then we make up a likert scale sorta quiz, i was in a group with leigh and jilly. 2nd period i ask Matthew, my stalker (and thats no exaggeration) aka "ladybird boy" to draw me a picture. He hasn't drawn me one in a while i think to myself. Matthew gets right into it drawing a very overly exaggerated impression of Mr B, complete with the baggy style of jumper he always wears and gigantic hoot of a nose. i then add a pernament marker in his hand as earliar in the period Mr B has picked up the wrong pen and started to write on Miss Kirk's white board with a pernament marker board pen. Jilly and i have a right laugh watching him go "aaaaaaaaaah noooooooooo" and try to scrub it odd with the sleeve of his jumper. What would Mr B without his jumper and floppy brunette hair? He's sorta the kind of male like those little primary school boys you see walking round the supermarket with their mothers. Their sleeves are often always stretched so much they trail on the ground. I swear one of these days i will catch their sleeves on the trolley wheels up the bread section of Asdas. Anyways i ask matthew to give the picture to Mr B. He doesn't look as brave. But promises to do it at some point of the period. Then he decides the right time is when im just walking out the door for prefect duty, so i ask him to text me telling me what Mr B thought of the drawing. then as i walk down to the loos with Leigh and Jilly before meeting up with Goldie and broon for duty i regret it. it will just give him a reason to start texting me again!

Duty at break i sit with Jilly and ashley and also receive a series of hugs from the ever over enthusiastic Goldie. My best mate , luke then arrives which i fully appreciate as he was off yesterday! Luke gets a big hug

3rd and 4th go by fast and lunchtime comes around. Jilly and i were off duty at lunchtime so we sat down as a table near some of the boys in our year ( the usual table where Jilly's Boyfriend sits with some of Ally's friends ). as i sit down with my currie, i realise goldie and broon have put their bags on 2 of the seats at our table. a usual sign that they will come and join Jilly and i once they have finished and the ever adorable Ally Shand (our team leader)has told them they can go sit down. Jilly and i discuss our days so far but are then rudely interrupted by the most immature boy of my year. for those who are in my year at school, they will know who i am talking about already and i wont have to name him. but his name is grant. "oohhhh ur having curry! i love curry! can i have some pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"
"no feck offf!"
arent i nice?.

later as i get ready to go away with Goldie i go to pick up my bag and folder from the table and then grant asks me to help him get his Fender out his case. to show it off obvioulsy.
"yes its a fender .. blah blah blah"
then i just cant resist.
"well i have a fender TELECASTER, vintage!. 1957 made in texas. yes the texas kinda.. rare.. heavy body, nice action, imported strings, unique machinehead etc etc.. "

grant's face - priceless

after duty i escape with Jilly and then leave her and i walk across the quad to find Luke. i then drag liam off through the corridors (hes in second year and isnt sposed to be in at lunchtime). But i tell my fellow prefects he is with me with a glare and i hear nothing else about it. Liam then stays at my side for the rest of lunch, untill i walk him down to the front as he was about to sign out and go home as he was not feeling too good.

5th period. come in late to modern studies. we are in the library and i bake into a sweat as the nippy Leigh decides to thrash at me for not doing my essay, despite her not even doing the bloody paper herself!

by 6th period (thankgod i had a free period)i was shattered. i collapsed in the Library and chatted with Jilly and Helen about our days. Jilly moaned that it had been the"worst day of school. ever." but i know shes had worst days... the boy i dislike the most was in the library with us that period, hes in Jilly's chemistry class and was trying to elbow into our conversation. Jilly warmly invited him in even though she knows i hate his guts as she thinks the world of him. i think she does not truly understand why i hate him so much and thinks im being harsh on him, when really i've given him all the chances anyone is given by me already. I spent a whole 4 years in junior school being in the same class as Niall, back then he was not too bad, actually some comfort to have as in those days i suffered a lot of abuse from 3 ned girls, but most because i was trying to defend my best friend at the time ,Kayleigh, from their abuse. But as we've moved into 4th year and he scraped the music prize from me, and then into 5th year and now 6th year ive grown to hate him.

Niall is definately a smart, well rounded, articulated, well brought up young chap... but to him, manners don't exist.
Take yesterday for example, when we had a meeting with our guidance teacher to help us with our personal statements for uni. i found myself sat next to Niall and within a matter of minutes hes slating our poor guidance teacher for not helping us enough. (we had had a talk from a guy from edinburgh uni the period 4 going through everything with us) but for a guy like Niall, that was simply not enough. I really do hate people who are perfectionists to the point where they can't find satisfaction anywhere. Our guidance was also very busy and i let her off the hook, Nathan, however wasn't prepared to give her a chance.

He hacks me off the most in music though, (the periods that i get put with the Highers and int2s)where he walks in the room and is such an arrogant prick i want to hook him one. he will come in and go straight to a keyboard, headphones on and play away in his own little world, when really he should be at his desk listening to the teachers instructions. the majority of periods of music i know what i am doing that lesson and could easily just get straight to it. But i have manners, and the DECENCY to be attentive to the teacher. its a matter of respect for gods sake!

3:30 i get the bus home with ashley and like every tuesday night we make macaroni cheese as tuesday is macaroni cheese night. however the macaroni doesnt go as planned(her mum had especially bought us the pasta shapes too) so ashley quickly makes a nice pasta dish with chicken and tomato sauce. then feeling like shes let me down, ashley announces we should bake a cake. so we make a victoria sponge.. the only part i really did was churn the butter and sugar and mix in some flour and and egg. the cake turns out lovely. and we sit and eat some as we watch the 3rd soap of the night. ashley loves her soaps for some strange reason, i only watch soaps when im at hers. then a text comes through from my sister about 8 saying shes passed her driving test! HORAY!

my sister (along with my younger brother who is obviously overjoyed by her passing) picks me up and we have a little quick drive round the area with the Killers and the Klaxons. Must really get some wolfmother on really some time soon.

hmmmm this has been a lonnnnnng blog!

Going to dundee tomorrow for dundee uni's open day,(mostly to discuss modules). i might also be going shoe shopping and meeting up with my mate Jenn.

anyways bed i go....

i think iv used to many emotion thingys in this.. but ahwell...

write again soon
x

My normal after school routine- stress a little over homework, chill a little over friends and music playing, eat some dinner and the hop into the shower. Usually as I hop into the shower I find time to relax and reflect on the events of the day. I think about what I did in modern studies, I think about the boys that I chucked out of the dining room at lunch at prefect duty, I think about things that my friends and I laughed about, I think about teachers that I stopped to talk to in the corridors, I think about dragging the marimba through the music corridor, I think of the first year boys I see every interval who play football out in quad, I think about that pointless talk we had in assembly that morning, I think about the way I nearly trip up going up the stairs to psychology, I think about the way my best friend hugged me that day liked nobody else was there when he came to visit me at interval but..
Tonight..
All I can think of is.
Well.
I think just about him.

And tonight even in the shower as I “wash my cares away” my mind simply cannot slip the thought of him. He’s with me all the way through my ritual shower.

As I rinse my shampoo I think- Why was I such a spoon today? I can’t believe I said “have fun in history” to him when he had physics and we were standing RIGHT outside his physics room, and I was the one that had history.

As I put some conditioner on I think- I liked the shoes he was wearing today.

As I rinse my body wash off – Haha! , he called ashley’s mum a MILF.

As I turn the shower tap off - ashley’s face was actually priceless

As I climb out of the bath tub I think- I liked that hug he gave me today

As I come out the bathroom and walk up the stairs – It’s a shame that he feels hes the third leg around Erin and broon

As I put some clothes on- Though it was funny when he said “I am the third leg” whilst pointing to his crotch.

The most thought that re-occurs the most however is Megan .

Megan isn’t even that pretty……………………..

She’s average really…………………………….

She seems fun.. but doesn’t stand out too much ……………………

She wears the trousers???...................

Don’t get me wrong.. in most ways I love school
However there are those parts of the days where things go bad and I wish I just had the courage to just walk away from school altogether. The things go bad include me failing a test, a bust up with friends, bitchiness between social groups, annoying teachers and arrogant neds. They vary.. and their affects on me also. But the worst?
Seeing Megan in the distance. Then seeing her coming up to goldie with her blonde hair and smily face but plain face at that. At times Goldie plays her only the attention that he would give any other friend but what puzzles me is how he can be attracted to this kind of girl. She’s plain jane all the way!

Don’t think of me as bitchy here but she truly is and what frustrates me is that he could do sooooo much better in many aspects. You would think that people look for something truly unique in a person.. and to be honest, there’s nothing unique about her. She also does not understand him as much as I do! Yes jealousy is striking here but its just frustrating.. even to one of my best friends Jilly who doesn’t see the attraction either. For someone to be your special someone you’d think that firstly they would have to be someone that is special. But I just see supermarket own brand written all over her.